Let Leaping Dogs Fly

Woman, mother, scientist, wife, human. I post occasionally about any and all of these things. Whatever strikes my fancy.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

True happiness this way lies

There was a stretch of years in my twenties when things did not go well for me, and a longer stretch afterward that was heavily shadowed by what had happened when things were very bad. Most of you are well-versed in my ups and downs; those of you who didn't experience it first hand, celebrate that you weren't there to see me stumble. What was painful for me was also terribly painful for the people who loved me, yet they listened time after time as I worked my way through each new setback. Why any of you didn't just shake my shoulders and tell me to get over it, I don't know; given my stubbornness I'm not sure that even that would have been sufficient but it would have made you feel better (Tracy!). There are some things that this grasshopper learns slowly.

After a while I forgot what it was like to be happy with my life. I knew that I was unhappy, but I could never put my finger on the "magic button" that would make things better. I think for a long time I knew what I needed to do, but fear kept me glued to the same miserable path . The ruts were deep. This analogy is getting old. It is challenging to put some of this in writing where everyone can see it, so I make jokes, ha ha ha, but it's true. I was stuck and I couldn't change myself in the way that I needed to change. So I did the only thing I could think to do: I grabbed hold of something that would force me out of my familiar patterns. Lucky for me I was clever enough to choose the right thing (graduate school) and the right place (a small town).

It is deeply frustrating to know what you want for your life and to believe that you will never achieve it. The biggest surprise I've had, then, and the saddest regret, was how easily I swept away all the barriers I had set up for myself, once I gave myself permission to do it. I could have done this sooner, I could have done this years ago, but I didn't. I couldn't. So today I am thankful that I finally did. I am healthy and happy. I have everything I need. I am living instead of just existing. It's all good.

Now, please, go look at this link and laugh, before you get all morose and weepy. Nobody should cry on Thanksgiving.

1 Comments:

  • At 11/25/2005 12:26:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't have time to write at the moment, but I just read your whole blog and I LOVE IT and YOU! so happy that you are happy. Good luck on your finals. Come see us anytime! Love, Auntie F and Monkey Steve

     

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